Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Everyone says I win the strip club
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
