you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
