I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize