he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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