My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
