At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
as a side note pls kill me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
