My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
