How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
