My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize