It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
