dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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