What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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