Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
