just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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