It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize