I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
