Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
