2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
