hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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