I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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