i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
3 2 1 whiskey
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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