My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
