because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
