I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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