Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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