Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
