She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
