Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
