U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
