Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
