Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
