quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
