I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
