I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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