This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
