did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
