my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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