i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
