My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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