I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I currently don't understand fingers.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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