So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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