My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize