Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
