I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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