i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
