I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
