I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
