I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
