That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize