There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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