Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm passing your future prison.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
