tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
