I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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