Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
