You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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