His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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