I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize