Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize