Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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