I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
