Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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