You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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