Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
