In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
