Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
