All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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