Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
