I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
